winter: spring

a new space, just for me, to see if it feels like home. i feel a sense of spring coming on, even though it is far off still, too far, but i feel it just the same. a sense of greens and blues, of that way the wind smells when it's warm enough to open your windows for the first time that year. god, i can't wait for that smell. i'm not sure i understand how i can exist in two spaces at once, walking down the sidewalk in love with scarves and snow and breathing in crispened air, and at the same time restless for the greens and blues. i don't mind, though. i love this about the weather, the seasons - their very changefulness makes them a joy in the moment and in the anticipation of what's to come.

i feel this way within, too. part of me is full of a flurry of spring cleaning ambition, wanting to sweep the clutter from every corner, even within. and another part of me - the part that takes over most of my day, these days - is exhausted and just wants a long hibernation, to sleep and sleep and sleep. and not even wake up for snacks. i've mostly been dealing with this by stubbornly trying to work long past what is possible, like a little kid who insists he's not tired so he can stay up to watch the movie, only to fall asleep before it's even half over.